Affairs within a relationship.

There is no getting away from extra marital affairs in today's society. Every time you pick up a newspaper or magazine you will see some article about a film or TV star having an affair with someone.

Affairs happen all too frequently in relationships today whether you are dating seriously, living together or in a long term marriage.  Some studies in the USA indicate that 80% of marriages at some point in the relationship will have at least one spouse involved in an affair.

This is the case no matter what the spiritual belief system of the person. Temptations happen and always will.  That's why we have devoted so much time and effort on these web pages to build the relationship on promoting the concept of building romantic relationships which will lessen the chance of any outside influences. However we also have to face the reality and support people affected by affairs within that relationship.

In many cases the affair will be a short term relationship which results from a works/office social party or business trip. In a few cases the relationship will continue for perhaps years.

Are you involved in an affair within your  relationship?

Are you seeking to get out of it but feeling trapped.  Many people report they continue in a loveless affair simply because they are afraid to try and break it off because they are afraid of what their lover will do. In some cases they are being blackmailed to continue otherwise evidence of past misdeeds will be sent to their spouse.

Should you come clean about your affair and potentially wreck the marriage relationship?

In many cases — but not all — the very fact there is or has been an affair will have already wrecked the trust that existed within the marriage relationship.

However views of professionals vary!  Some counsellors are afraid to advise people to make a clean breast of the affair to their partner because of the potential damage done to the marriage relationship. Other counsellors say the only way you will be able to break free of the past is to be totally honest upfront and make a fresh start.

Alternatively has your partner been involved in an affair past or present?

Are you able to forgive?  Do you want to forgive him or her?

Have you already tried forgiveness and found it broke your trust completely and you are unable to forget what happened.  Are you suffering from the emotional heartbreak that arises when you discover your partner has been or still is in a relationship with that other person?

Are you currently going through the process of deciding whether you try to overcome hurts of the past affair and start afresh or break it off permanently and seek a divorce?

You would not be alone in that feeling!

The issue of how to understand and deal with a extramarital affair is too big to be dealt with here on this page but I recently came across two very different books which dealt with the subject openly and honestly with a fresh approach to supporting you.

"Break Free From the Affair"  By Dr. Robert Huizenga

The book starts with the very important question, "Do you really want to be in a relationship with this person?". No matter whether it is you considering breaking the affair or you considering considering divorce because of his or her affair it is a question you have to know the answer to in order to move forward.

This book is fairly unique in that it talks to the person who is having the affair as well as going very deeply into the mind-frame of the partner who finds out their spouse is cheating.

He outlines seven different kinds of extramarital affairs and the various ways of dealing with them. Each type of affair requires the couple to work through the problem in different ways.  For example don't issue an ultimatum if it is going to paint yourself into a corner which you won't be able to get out of without backing down if the relationship has to break up a bit more slowly than you would expect.

Not all affairs can finish immediately and may require some time for him or her to extract themselves from. That may not be be what you want to hear at the time but Bob explains the reasoning behind that in such an clear manner you want to follow his advice rather than your heart and emotions.

Bob uses a coaching technique — which I like — to help you explore how you feel and without giving any heavy handed advice or instructions to help you make up your mind about what YOU feel you want to do.  It is clear from reading the book that Bob has personally coached a lot of people through this issue in their relationship and if you are caught up in a situation which you can't break free from and don't know where to turn this is a book I just have to recommend. Especially as he offers personal coaching on a one to one basis in addition to his book. See Bob's webpage for more details on how he can help you.

Extramarital Affairs II  "The Anatomy of An Affair" by Dr. Reena Sommer, PHD

Another excellent book which takes a completely different approach to the whole problem of affairs in relationships is "The Anatomy of An Affair" by Dr. Reena Sommer,

Instead of starting with the question do you want this relationship to continue  Reena walks us through very clearly why and how affairs start. Armed with an understanding of the full information about motive and circumstances we are in a better situation to make an informed choice on coping with the trauma.

As with Bob's book above Reena counsels against starting to shout and brawl at your spouse until you have worked through what you want to do.

Lets face it if we are as high as a kite with our emotions running wild we are going to do or say something we may regret afterwards. Reena recognises and  seriously deals with the trauma that infidelity places on the person who has been cheated on.

Her book also brings out ways of bullet proofing your relationship to help prevent an extramarital affair from starting. It may be too late for the current one but if you are going to stay together as most couples do after an affair take these measures to reduce the risk of it happening again.

This is part of a series of books that Dr Sommer has written— each dealing with different aspects of the affair  and her professionalism shines through with all of her books that I have read. See what she says on her website

Which of these books on extramarital affairs would I choose?

If you have just discovered that your husband (or wife) is having an affair and you are about to blow up and/or kill him then you should very quickly buy Reena's Sommers book NOW.  Don't do or say anything else — especially to your spouse — until after you have read it a couple of times to see where you stand. This will provide you with help to deal with the very real and justifiable trauma you are going through.

However if you have come down from the shock and looking for answers as why it happened in your relationship and how you deal with it in your circumstances then the first one by Bob Huizenga is the one to opt for.

However in this very important issue I would suggest that many counsellors make good sense and if you can afford get them both and stop listening to advice from friends — even if they have been through the situation themselves.  Your well meaning friends are different personalities from you.  They may have experienced being caught up in relationships themselves that may have left them feeling inwardly bitter and that is not  what you want or need at this time.

"Break Free From the Affair"  By Dr. Robert Huizenga

"The Anatomy of An Affair" by Dr. Reena Sommer,

See also

One of the repercussions of an  extramarital affair being discovered is the withdrawal of lovemaking within a relationship. If this is something that has happened to your relationship and you want to put to put it right — if only to stop another affair from happening then I would recommend you read this book as well.

Hopeful Solutions For Sexless Marriage It is full of practical and very frank advice for those who want to get unstuck from their sexless marriage.